keep going

(only a few pages left in this journal. it's getting a little too fat to photograph.)

It's hard to be an adult.

In the past week we've been to the doctor's office three times. David has a weird rash and bad cough, possible asthma, I have bronchitis. A chest x-ray came back with something weird so I have to schedule a CAT scan this week. Yesterday while David was in the middle of an urgent and unpleasant potty training incident, I set Norah down on his bed only to hear a thud and a screaming cry less than a minute later. She's okay, but I have to remember that five month olds do start to roll off of things. In the afternoon some people came over to do an air quality and mold investigation in our house (all the coughing and asthma and bronchitis was starting to worry me). Two and a half hours later they left and I had already cried twice. Black mold in the living room and maybe more elsewhere too. I've been thinking about some close family and friends dealing with all kinds of disheartening Life Stuff. But who isn't dealing with Life Stuff? 

In the past I would have taken time to deal with these things. Dropped out of the world for a few days: calling in sick, long walks, drives through the country, spending hours at the bookstore, sleeping in. But life with kids doesn't stop. There's all of this. The same toys I pick up every day. The bellies that need to be made food, fed, and cleaned up after multiple times a day. What is the total amount of all the crumbs I've wiped off the counters? I imagine it would have overtaken our kitchen by now, we'd wade through it everyday.  And I swear we have trick laundry baskets that mysteriously fill up as soon as the clean clothes are put away. 

I'm not sure how I'm handling things, and the days just keep flipping over anyway. I feel like I'm on one of those endless airport moving walkways that just keep moving forward through everything

The days aren't full of overwhelming moments though. The kids make me laugh, always. I'm developing closer friendships with some women from church and it's a huge blessing. I have zinnias in the house all the time now. We have plenty of everything we need and I try to see the beauty in the positive things. 

I think there's something about my prescription inhaler that messes with my sleep and lately I find myself up in the middle of the night, woken by the dog's wheezing or David talking in his sleep or the rattly noises of the ice maker in the freezer. The full harvest moon is this week and in the middle of the night it's so bright I swear I could read outside. The temperature is just right and the sounds of the bugs are like God's most perfect lullabye. So at least that's nice. The other night I drank a mug of chamomile tea and sat until I almost fell asleep on a lawn chair on the patio at midnight. I think it was the most relaxed I've felt in months. 

I go stand outside a lot, trying to hold on to these days, wondering if i can soak the mild air and 7:30 sunsets into my bones to keep for the next six months. I worry about winter sometimes; even though I've been thinking lately about taking a break from worrying. If that's possible. It just doesn't accomplish anything, does it? (Matthew 6:27: Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?)

It's hard to be an adult, to be a parent, to be anything. But Norah's fat little pixie/cherub face and David's funny songs and all the encouraging and friendly emails in my inbox balance out all the tired days and nervousness. I can't really complain because I know everything will be okay, is okay. So, I keep going. 

Comments

[kimberly]

Oh no, Katie. Sounds like it's been a rough week. What do you do about mold?

I've been there. The best you can do is try to enjoy the little things. You're doing everything right.

[robyn]

This post made me tear up... for it's scariness, it's sadness, but at the same time it's beauty, joy and gratefulness. I'm sorry to hear about all the trouble you are having and I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers.
I LOVE "the sounds of the bugs are like God's most perfect lullabye" you put it to words so beautifully and I will keep that phrase in my mind whenever I hear this again. I've been trying to soak up this same period of time for the last month.
And, boy can I ever relate to being a worrier. Thank you so much for sharing that verse, I definitely needed to hear that. That should be my mantra. In fact, I think I need to make that into a shirt, bumper sticker, perhaps even poster to hang over my bed.

[emily (justem)]

Oh man. :( I'm so sorry you are going through all this, but take heart in knowing you aren't alone and we all have problems and mistakes. Though, I know that never makes your own seem any less frustrating and difficult. You are doing a great job and your kids will benefit SO much from it...as will you! :) Chin up!

[Katy Acquaye-Tonge]

I recently came across your blog and loved it and have been waiting for a time to say so! Your words and shared moments were so familiar, as if they were mine not so long ago. It's the strange and wonderful thing about the blogging community, you can feel such a kinship and deep connection with others and the place that they're occupying at that precise moment! I love your honesty and your openness and I think it's really healthy to 'spill open' a little as I like to say! If it helps, I have been right here and it gets better and there's so much more of a story to tell because of it all!!! Wishing you joy & strength xxx