white picket fence

two thoughts from people much smarter than me

Here are some things I have been thinking about recently; two vastly different sources, but the concept is the same. Presented without further comment:

"I think the reason why people behave in an ugly manner is that it's really scary to be alive and to be human, and people are really really afraid. [...]

That the fear is the basic condition, and there are all kinds of reasons for why we’re so afraid. But the fact of the matter is that the job that we’re here to do is to learn how to live in a way that we’re not terrified all the time. And not in a position of using all kinds of different things, and using people to keep that kind of terror at bay. That is my personal opinion.

Well for me, as an American male, the face I’d put on the terror is the dawning realization that nothing’s enough, you know? That no pleasure is enough, that no achievement is enough. That there’s a kind of queer dissatisfaction or emptiness at the core of the self that is unassuageable by outside stuff. [...] And that our particular challenge is that there’s never been more and better stuff comin’ from the outside, that seems temporarily to sort of fill the hole or drown out the hole."

David Foster Wallace, as quoted in David Lipsky's Although Of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself

"That hollowness we sometimes feel is not a sign of something gone wrong. It is the holy of holies inside of us, the uncluttered throne room of the Lord our God. Nothing on earth can fill it, but that does not stop us from trying. Whenever we start feeling too empty inside, we stick our pacifiers into our mouths and suck for all we are worth. They do not nourish us, but at least they plug the hole.

To enter the wilderness is to leave them behind, and nothing is too small to give up. Even a chocolate bar will do. For 40 days, simply pay attention to how often your mind travels in that direction. Ask yourself why it happens when it happens. What is going on when you start craving a Mars bar? Are you hungry? Well, what is wrong with being hungry? Are you lonely? What is so bad about being alone? Try sitting with the feeling instead of fixing it and see what you find out. [...] Then tell the devil to get lost."

Barbara Taylor Brown, Home by Another Way 

love makes a family

OK: back story. My friend Kimberly is one of those "online friends" where eventually you just drop the "online" part and count it in the real life category. We've known each other for almost 8 years (that seemed like forever but then I checked my gmail archives, and yes, emails date back to 2006!). I've appreciated her kindness, her strength,  her wonderful parenting advice, and of course her beautiful photography; and I feel so lucky that our paths crossed way back then. 

When she asked if I would help her brother and sister in law with their adoption fundraiser, I immediately responded yes. I remember when I first read Tony and Emily's story in this post. The enthusiasm and sweetness that Kimberly captured in her photos had me in tears. 

And the story has changed since then. Not only are they adopting one little girl, her older sister will also be joining the Gould family. Between the adoption process and travel, there are numerous expenses, and this month they're hoping to raise money to cover the airfare to Africa (for 2) and back to the USA (for 4!). 

I'm always extremely humbled to think about couples that choose international adoption. It isn't always easy, but the difference that can be made for these children is absolutely life-changing. I hope you'll consider helping Tony and Emily this month. 

To donate, visit here. And for more information and stories about the couple and their adoption journey, visit Tony and Emily's blog.

26 pink postcards to the president

Earlier this week I was tired of feeling restless and helpless and dragging my mind across the same sadnesses over and over. What can you do in the face of this kind of unthinkable tragedy? Or, on a more personal level, what can I do? 

Well, I have paper and pens and stamps. I can write a letter. This is America! I have the right to reach out to the leader of the free world and tell him what I think. So I did. 

I feel a little sheepish about this project. It's SO SMALL. And I'm like 99.5% sure Barack Obama will never see these postcards. Also, this was just one tragedy. What about all the other acts of meaningless, lethal gun violence? I started to look up statistics and my head filled up with images of me at Paper Source, grabbing armfuls of pinks cards, decimating entire shelves, calling in reinforcements from other stores. I feel heavy hearted about how little I can do. But. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. 

***

I've had trouble feeling festive this Advent. It's not just last week, or the weird weather. It started to bother me, how little cheer I've felt. But I took a step back to think about the season of Advent. It's not really about cheer. For the first time in my life, I really thought about the words of this hymn:

O come O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lowly exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

I don't know about you, but I do feel like I'm mourning in this lowly exile. I'm looking forward to Christmas Day and pondering the fleshly presence of our Messiah in this broken world. There's a little blanket of snow today and that feels like a fresh start. I'm praying for Connecticut, for mourners everywhere, for all of us. Peace to you, my friends.

screenprinting. and other things you should just DO.

Are there certain things you think about all the time, but never take action on? Maybe it's taking a dance class, or asking someone out, or learning to cook a certain kind of food. Everyone has something.

For so long I have yearned to screenprint my own work. I've thought about it for YEARS. I researched the heck out of the benefits of buying a kit vs. purchasing/making your own screens. Read tons of online tutorials. I enviously studied gig posters and tried to zoom in as close as I could on printed pieces on Flickr. I listed it as an ambition anytime I made a list of ambitions. 

But all those things never got me any closer to actually DOING something about it. Last week in my bible class, our pastor was talking about growing in faith, and he said, "Let's say you want to become a more generous person. Do you sit around thinking about being generous? Or do you go ahead and give, and see how it feels?" You just have to give. You just have to DO. 

This is a theme that runs through almost everything I've learned about myself and the world recently. You have to show up, do the work, learn to enjoy the process, KEEP WORKING, repeat. Sarah Ahearn talked about this in her last online class, Pages and Paint. David Foster Wallace speaks at length about it in the interview turned book, Although Of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself. Pretty much everything Keri Smith has ever done or said leads to this concept at some point. There's this famous list by Sister Corita Kent and John Cage, 10 Rules for Students and Teachers (and Life). Rule Seven is my favorite: "The only rule is work. If you work it will lead to something. It’s the people who do all of the work all of the time who eventually catch on to things."

So I bought a printing kit. I knew if I tried to make my own it would never happen. So whatever! I stopped feeling like it was dumb for someone with a fine arts degree to buy an art kit, and just did it. My first test prints this weekend didn't turn out great. I have a LOT to learn and lots more to try. But I feel deeply satisfied and crazy excited about finally making this happen. 

So, are you waiting to do something and have no good reason not to try it? Just go for it. Don't give up, be patient, things take time, keep working, & don't get discouraged. Seriously. Go!

(I'll share more details about my first printing experience tomorrow, but I needed to get the heavy/philosophical stuff down first. That's me!)

32.

Photos by my brother Josiah, taken last weekend at my parent's house in Iowa. 

I turned 32 last week. Adult birthdays are weird. It was one of those days where i SUPER missed working in an office. No one brings in a treat buffet or takes you out for lunch when you're a stay at home mom. David was clearly puzzled that a birthday could occur despite the lack of cake and candles. 

We did have a nice normal day. Costco shopping in the morning, a trip to the playground with David's neighborhood friend in the afternoon, takeout sushi for dinner. And my mom made a cake this weekend so the birthday wasn't completely cake-less. Oh, and I bought myself a pair of shoes and Mike got us a family pass to Brookfield Zoo and I get to go on a Wild Encounter (zookeeper for a day!). As far as adult birthday presents go, not too shabby. 

The past year has been HUGE for me. Tons of changes, both internal and external. After working as a graphic designer for almost exactly one decade, it took me a while to get the hang of being at home with little ones. Actually, I'm still working on that one. It's shaken up a lot of the ideas I had about myself, for better and for worse. 

But I can't stress enough the few things that have been unexpected blessings for me. I'm not sure how I would have made it through this year without my weekly women's bible study, yoga, and roller derby. Pursuing both spiritual and physical disciplines in tandem has been beneficial and I think the two things have supported each other in ways I'm not even fully aware of. 

Uh, sorry to get a little fruity on you. It's just that I've grown up and evolved a lot this year. I'm not sure what this means for this blog though. I'm in a "i'm totally over the internet" phase right now and sort of feel like the things that are important to me right now are not best shared with the entire internet.

You know me though. In a week I'll probably change my mind and be all up in your grill with pictures of the kids and art projects. and I'll thank you for still reading along with me and my ever changing rambly blog whims. 

my sacrifice this Lent. yeah, I'm a little nervous.

(an old art journal page about my terrible attention span. this is relevant.)

Soooo. Ahem, hrrrhrm. Here's my announcement. (I know that posting this on my blog & announcing it to the world will make this that much harder to slack off on.) 

I'm giving up the internet during the day, while the kids are awake, for Lent. 

Okay, so. . . maybe some people would laugh about this. Maybe you think "what's the big deal, I do that every day?" My friend Renae has given up the internet entirely for Lent before, and I tip my hat to her.

Listen, it's not entirely practical for me to give up the internet full time. I'm not even sure if you can be an active member of society anymore without email, right? Being online to stay in touch with my family, keep track of our calendar, and work on my fledging little etsy shop are all good and productive things that I don't think are necessary to remove from my life. 

But bear with me. Is this a scenario that looks familiar to you?: "Hm, I wonder what the actress from Punky Brewster is up to these days? URGENT QUESTION!! TO IMDB, POST HASTE!! Well, while I'm on the laptop I might as well check facebook and see if that Anthropologie sweater is on sale and and and etc." Then it's 15 minutes later and David's toast is getting cold or the baby is crying or whatever. It's a cycle that repeats a lot during my days at home and I've known for a while that it's just not the best for me or the kids either. 

I've been reading, hearing, and thinking a lot lately about Quiet. And not just in the auditory sense of like, sitting alone on a mountaintop. But also the, "am I able to tune out the internal distracting chatter to really be in touch with myself, and in prayer and communication with God?" kind of way. It's a question I'm hoping will be a lot clearer after the next 40 days. It's difficult to have internal quiet when you're rushing to fill every spare moment with new information. So that's my hope for Lent: eliminating the distractions, focusing on my family, and finding some Quiet.