white picket fence

32.

Photos by my brother Josiah, taken last weekend at my parent's house in Iowa. 

I turned 32 last week. Adult birthdays are weird. It was one of those days where i SUPER missed working in an office. No one brings in a treat buffet or takes you out for lunch when you're a stay at home mom. David was clearly puzzled that a birthday could occur despite the lack of cake and candles. 

We did have a nice normal day. Costco shopping in the morning, a trip to the playground with David's neighborhood friend in the afternoon, takeout sushi for dinner. And my mom made a cake this weekend so the birthday wasn't completely cake-less. Oh, and I bought myself a pair of shoes and Mike got us a family pass to Brookfield Zoo and I get to go on a Wild Encounter (zookeeper for a day!). As far as adult birthday presents go, not too shabby. 

The past year has been HUGE for me. Tons of changes, both internal and external. After working as a graphic designer for almost exactly one decade, it took me a while to get the hang of being at home with little ones. Actually, I'm still working on that one. It's shaken up a lot of the ideas I had about myself, for better and for worse. 

But I can't stress enough the few things that have been unexpected blessings for me. I'm not sure how I would have made it through this year without my weekly women's bible study, yoga, and roller derby. Pursuing both spiritual and physical disciplines in tandem has been beneficial and I think the two things have supported each other in ways I'm not even fully aware of. 

Uh, sorry to get a little fruity on you. It's just that I've grown up and evolved a lot this year. I'm not sure what this means for this blog though. I'm in a "i'm totally over the internet" phase right now and sort of feel like the things that are important to me right now are not best shared with the entire internet.

You know me though. In a week I'll probably change my mind and be all up in your grill with pictures of the kids and art projects. and I'll thank you for still reading along with me and my ever changing rambly blog whims. 

catching up.

Lots of little things to share today. 

1. I took the kids to a kite festival last weekend. I didn't know what to expect but I was pleasantly surprised. Do you know there are professional kite flyers? And they do this thing called "kite ballet"? Hard to describe, but man, I was wowed. The kites really do dance in the air. Lovely to watch. I think the kids were more entertained just looking at huge crowd of new people. And the thing David remembers most is seeing a kid wearing Thomas the Tank Engine boots. But hey, it was a great Saturday afternoon activity. 

2. It's only fair that I do a little follow up on my Lent internet fast. You guys, I kind of failed. The first two weeks went really well, but once I started cheating it just went downhill from there. Overall, I do feel like I improved my relationship with technology. Have you ever gone on vacation and stopped checking twitter or facebook for a few days. . and then you try to catch up after and think, "why again do I normally care about all of this?" I'm feeling a little more like that these days. 

The other issue with not going online all day was that I would totally gorge at night and stay up way too late just surfing. Also not good. So in the end I learned that a little levity, a little wittling down of my google reader and tumblr following, and a healthy dose of moderation are probably the best. As usual, the most common sense approach wins. 

3. Lately both kids attitudes and behavior are on a little cycle. . . a few happy days, a few minor grouchy days, one really horrible day, and repeat. I'm glad that their bad days don't occur simultaneously, which saves my sanity a bit. But the really golden days are when they're both happy at the same time.

Norah is standing on her own, exploring like no one's business, and now that 2 new teeth have poked through, her demeanor has been so sweet and pleasant. Lots of smiles and cuddling now. It's a treat watching her become less of a baby and more of a little person. 

David sure has his ornery moments, but when he's doing well, he's great too. His imagination and creativity with toys always makes me smile. The other day I found him standing at the kitchen counter playing "Angry Birds"... a shallot was the bird, a spoon rest was the launcher, and my kitchen-aid whisk attachment was the structure he was trying to knock down. Honestly. . . could you even make this stuff up? Little kids are amazing. 

 

my sacrifice this Lent. yeah, I'm a little nervous.

(an old art journal page about my terrible attention span. this is relevant.)

Soooo. Ahem, hrrrhrm. Here's my announcement. (I know that posting this on my blog & announcing it to the world will make this that much harder to slack off on.) 

I'm giving up the internet during the day, while the kids are awake, for Lent. 

Okay, so. . . maybe some people would laugh about this. Maybe you think "what's the big deal, I do that every day?" My friend Renae has given up the internet entirely for Lent before, and I tip my hat to her.

Listen, it's not entirely practical for me to give up the internet full time. I'm not even sure if you can be an active member of society anymore without email, right? Being online to stay in touch with my family, keep track of our calendar, and work on my fledging little etsy shop are all good and productive things that I don't think are necessary to remove from my life. 

But bear with me. Is this a scenario that looks familiar to you?: "Hm, I wonder what the actress from Punky Brewster is up to these days? URGENT QUESTION!! TO IMDB, POST HASTE!! Well, while I'm on the laptop I might as well check facebook and see if that Anthropologie sweater is on sale and and and etc." Then it's 15 minutes later and David's toast is getting cold or the baby is crying or whatever. It's a cycle that repeats a lot during my days at home and I've known for a while that it's just not the best for me or the kids either. 

I've been reading, hearing, and thinking a lot lately about Quiet. And not just in the auditory sense of like, sitting alone on a mountaintop. But also the, "am I able to tune out the internal distracting chatter to really be in touch with myself, and in prayer and communication with God?" kind of way. It's a question I'm hoping will be a lot clearer after the next 40 days. It's difficult to have internal quiet when you're rushing to fill every spare moment with new information. So that's my hope for Lent: eliminating the distractions, focusing on my family, and finding some Quiet. 

fresh new start

See you next year, Christmas decorations. 

After 2 weeks of excitement, trips, fun, and cookies, we are all so glad to be back to normal. This Monday was a pretty perfect encapsulation of the last few weeks: we were up early and happy, got drive through donuts on the way into the city, had a super fun morning at the Museum of Science and Industry, local errands in the afternoon, and then. . . David had a spectacular 1.5 hour long tantrum/meltdown of tiredness and overstimulation. So yes, I'm more than willing to return to regular life. 

I'm excited for January too. All the sudden my life sort of organically filled with interesting projects and plans:

• opening my etsy shop again (uh, third time's the charm, right?;)
• finishing up a web project for my dad that I was supposed to do about 5 months ago. oops. sorry Dad. 
• doing some design work for a church event. It's great to work in InDesign again. Type and templates and stylesheets are the design place I feel the most comfortable and competent.
• working on more solid plans for our april Craft Day event!
• starting Norah's transition from bottles and babyfood to sippy cups and regular food (which means cooking lots of soft but easy to grasp food, and washing the floors about four times a day)
• I should probably also think about updating my blog header so that it doesn't have autumn leaves anymore. ;)
• diving headfirst into the 8-week Apartment Therapy Home Cure.

And more on that last one. Long before Apartment Therapy was a website that makes you feel like your house is not cool enough (or maybe that's just me?), it was a book/process for turning your space into a clean, restful, and workable home. I'm currently on week 2, and I already feel like the house is getting more manageable and less cluttered.  A lot of the suggestions in the book are definitely for apartment/city dwellers with no children (last week one of my tasks was to "prepare at least one meal in your kitchen." Ha. Hahahaha.) But overall, I think it's a great resource for paring down and sprucing up the home. And already seeing some great initial results is a big encouragement to keep going for the rest of the 2 month process. 

So that's me this week. Do you have any big plans for the new year? What are you excited about this month?

easy vs. hard

Some things are just plain easy. Drinking coffee in the morning. Thinking about a weekly meal plan. Zerbert-ing a fat baby tummy. Taking pictures of leaves. Happy things. 

Some things start easy. . . but end up being harder. Sitting on the couch (because you know, at some point you do have to get up OFF the couch.) Making all those meals on the meal plan. And here's my big one: Handling everything yourself and never asking for help. 

And some things, the best things, seem hard but end up making everything easier. Making a ton of food at once so you don't have to cook all week long. Going out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch. Sticking to a routine. And humbling yourself to admit that you need help. . . and then asking for it.

You have to cross over the hard part to get to the easy part. And obviously by "you" in that sentence, I really mean "I." That's where I'm at this week. 

real life. fall 2011.

This is what my life looks like: 

I mentioned the other day on twitter that I've been working hard at real life lately. Real life = keeping both kids in solid routines, cooking a lot, reading stories and playing, trying to maintain a tidy house. It sounds so easy, doesn't it? But it's not for me, somehow. For a while now I've felt so confused about why I have a hard time managing a household. It seems to come so easily for some women, but I've learned that I really have to work at it. It's worth it, completely, but it takes work. 

It's easy for me to daydream all day and get absent-minded and end the day wondering what filled our hours. And listen: as someone whose natural inclination is toward intensely solitary pursuits (reading novels, long walks alone listening to mopey music, etc), parenting 2 small children can be a challenge. The constant questions of a 2 and a half year old. The baby crying. The bowls of cheerios spilled on the floor. And oh dear, just the thought of dressing 2 small people in winter clothes and herding/wrangling them into the car is exhausting to me. 

But I'm applying myself to it. Getting things done and staying ahead. Staying focused on the kids, the house, myself, right now. And it feels a thousand times more satisfying than you'd think. 

Typing this out it all sounds so incredibly boring and awful; I mean, it's not mind-blowingly original content here for me to say: Look at me! I got laundry done! We read David's favorite Dr. Seuss book 2 dozen times! I made honey mustard chicken with rice for dinner! But: that's my real life. And I'm really happy with it. 

about skating. and dumb anxiety.

my skates! yes, I am a 31 year old woman that owns a pair of roller skates! proudly!

You know those articles in women's magazines about like "Top Ten Tips of Happy Moms!" and "Five Steps to Stress Less!"? They're full of these platitudes that always seem amazingly obvious to me. Connect With Your Spouse! Eliminate Activities You Don't Love! Make Time for Yourself! I used to read these articles before I had kids and wonder, who are the idiots that can't figure this stuff out? 

Well, I'll admit now. I'M one of those idiots. Lately I've been feeling really anxious. I know there are things I can do to make myself feel better, but I avoid them. I put pressure on myself to cook all our meals from scratch, I'm the only one that worries about our house not being decorated well enough, I waste my downtime on things that aren't relaxing to me. . . and then I suffer for it. It's all stupid stuff I could handle if I just stopped and redirected myself. Yes, there have been some speedbumps lately (our living room being torn apart for 2 weeks to get rid of mold is the biggie) but that's no reason for me to freak out daily and feel like I'm a horrible mom. I know that's not true. 

Soooo. I joined this roller derby class. I'm really doing it: I'm Making Time for Myself! Getting Fit! Pursuing a New Hobby! etc. 

The class is Derby Lite, and I think their tagline says it all: Roller Skating for Fun and Fitness for Women Old Enough to Know Better. (It's offered through my local park district.) So far it has been fun and it's a good challenge for me. Learning how to fall down (and get up again!) is kind of enlightening for someone that once broke their arm rollerblading. Plus, it's hard to worry about stuff like the dishes not being done when I'm solely focused on skating/not injuring myself. I really look forward to practice and I'm hoping this is something I can continue with for a long time. 

And, an added bonus: if you're local, there are some Friends and Family skate nights in the next couple months. Let me know if you'd like to come along, I'd love to have you. 

enough?

I have a big batch of journal pages I've done in the last few months. But I'm feeling ambivalent about posting them here, or anywhere. Is it weird to post personal artwork online for others to see? I confess I love the feedback more than anything, but I also feel like I'm giving back/contributing since I love to look at other people's work, too. 

I feel like I had fairly realistic expectations for what being a full-time mom would be like. I obviously didn't picture picnics in the park and cupcakes every day. I knew I'd be challenged by the Sisyphean task of warding off domestic entropy. I'm not sure I expected to feel so completely enveloped into my new role, though. I did really want to try to have a side business, or do freelance, or basically, just protect a small portion of my time for artistic pursuits. But I'm finding it's incredibly hard to find time to accomplish all those little tasks that add up when you feel like you should be "making something of yourself" or "staying true to your artistic self" blah blah blah. You know.

I guess the question I'm asking here is, do I need an Etsy shop? (something I've been stressing out about lately.) Do I need to make and maintain a portfolio site? Do I need to blog everyday? Or is it okay for me to just be a mom and spend a lot of time folding towels and also sometimes do nothing but watch marathons of Top Chef during naptimes?

And I know that no one can answer those questions but me.

I also know that I want to keep doing arty things, just for myself. I want to keep sending out funny little postcards. I want to help my friends and family with the little design projects they request. And I want to be the best mom I can be.

So. Maybe those are the answers I'm looking for. 

mess

You guys. This is what the floor of my dining room looks like right now. Actually, the mess got even bigger since I took this photo. A little back story: we have a small house, a 50s ranch with three small bedrooms, no basement, and one bathroom. Storage space is limited. Really, all space is limited.

You know how some artists will show you beautiful photos of their neat, bright, and colorful studio spaces? Well, I have a rolling cart in the coat closet and a few stuffed baskets spilling out on the dining room floor. And usually a stack of unfinished projects piled on the end of the dining room table. I'm not complaining, I do like my little house, and the kids' rooms kind of take precedence over a studio space for me. But. I am not naturally organized so things tend to get a little. . . let's say, rough. 

Which brings me to this. You know this thing? It's by far the most well-received piece of art I've ever posted on the internet. It has almost three thousand notes on tumblr and was featured recently on the Creature Comforts blog. And I'll tell you guys a secret here. . .

I can't find it.

I started looking for it the other day because I planned on putting some prints up on Etsy. And now I've torn the whole house apart searching for it. And at this point I have no idea where else I could look. 

Yeah, I know there are some lessons here. Sigh. 

Have you ever lost anything you really loved? How did it turn out for you?

UPDATE: Right after I typed this, I looked again in a pile I'd already gone through. I found it. Whew. 

july goals

something about the year being halfway over makes me want to set monthly goals again. 

after I made this i realized I did a july goals for last july too. and the one overlapping item is: fill up our 10-punch card at the frozen yogurt place. I have big dreams, people.